


Heaven is one step closer (when I'm with you)

by ValentineKB



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: A Little Bit of Humor, Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post-Canon, avatrice background relationship, lilith deserves love!!!, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26153539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineKB/pseuds/ValentineKB
Summary: Lilith has a hard time dealing with her current situation, new awkward feelings, hellish wound and all that stuff. Thankfully, Camila is there to help her and to teach her what love means to her.And she also has a dysfunctional family that consists of her childhood best friend, the best sparring partner she ever had and the annoying "sister" she never asked for (She loves them anyways).
Relationships: Sister Camila/Sister Lilith (Warrior Nun)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 118





	1. words

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm just such a "Lilith deserves love!!!!" person that I had to write this fic. There are a lot of headcanons from our wonderful fandom in this! We also need more Camilil around here. Hope you like it!

After struggling for what it felt like hours, Lilith was on the verge of exhaustion. She had been training her whole life to face the worst of terrors in order to defend the church, but not even her impressive skills and stamina were enough for her to keep up with their most recent fight. Though, her newly reclaimed “powers” (she didn’t like that word, unlike Ava, who used it all the time) had definitely helped against the wraiths and Adriel.

Alongside the new halo bearer and her warrior sisters, they had managed to end with all the possessions. When Adriel was next in line, he disappeared, leaving the five of them, especially Lilith and Ava incredibly frustrated. Beatrice tried to calm them down while Camila tended Mary’s wounds. Lilith could only think of ways to get to him and rip his head off, in an collected manner, _of course_. For now, they had to be happy with the fact that they were miraculously alive and that Duretti hadn't put a price on their heads, yet.

Fleeing the scene was easier than she had expected, thanks to Camila’s skills (she was impressed by the whole tech stuff, but stealing a car without anyone noticing was on a whole new level) they got a car big enough for the five of them. Beatrice took the wheel, apparently the only one focused enough at that time to drive them out of Rome. Mary sat beside her, injured but too stubborn to let them keep tending to her wounds. She fell asleep instantly anyways.

Her sisters were mad but Lilith understood her struggle. Shannon, Duretti, her otherworldly trip, the traitor Vincent… it all happened mere moments ago, there's no way she could process all of it. She could try to grasp what was really going on but she guessed not even God had the slightest idea.

Somehow she had ended up between Ava and Camila, her legs kind of cramped thanks to Ava being sprawled out, but she was so tired she couldn´t care less. Lilith was thankful for Ava and incredibly proud, she wouldn´t say a thing though, knowing she would never hear the end of it. She stole a glance at her, the halo bearer looked as awful as Lilith did right now, dried blood literally everywhere, but had the biggest grin from ear to ear. Her eyes open, her breathing seemed relieved.

It sounded just like young Lilith after training hard, when she laid on her garden and doodled the scenery on her sketchbook, a gift from her best friend. Coming back to the present, she turned briefly in the direction of Beatrice, suddenly recalling their happiness in the summers spent on her villa, playing around and being a tad too young to really understand how screwed up the world was. She caught her childhood companion glancing at the halo bearer fondly through the rearview mirror. _Unbelievable, already whipped_.

Turning her head to her left side, she saw Camila curled up the best she could in her assigned space, looking outside the window, drawing mindlessly with her index finger on the window. Lilith couldn't help feeling enchanted by her. If Lilith was a demonic creature now, she was certain Camila was the closest to an angelic being in Earth. She never gave much space to these thoughts, for they were impure and she had the halo to worry about. But now, thanks to the trip to hell and her being at impasse with the church, she was actually trying to process feelings and listen to her mind. She was trying to be better.

During her trance, Camila seemed to notice her staring and turned to Lilith, giving her a small smile in spite of the cut she had under her left cheekbone, the bruising getting progressively darker.

“You did amazing Lilith, it was impressive really. I am glad you're adapting to this new side of you-” Camila paused for a moment, not sure how to speak. She didn't want to make Lilith feel bad. "-I mean… I'm sorry, I don't know how you use it or what it really does or what you call it, but just know that I'm proud! I've never seen you fighting like this, what a speedy recovery!" The smaller woman finished her speech with a hand to Lilith's shoulder.

 _If only I knew…_ one minute she was in ArqTech, the next she was being held by Mary… she couldn't understand, she hated being lost. One thing she knew for sure, there's no way this could fit under "accomplishments" in her relatives' eyes, but for the first time Camila's voice was louder than the one in her head screaming "failure" over and over again. She focused once again on the short haired woman and realized she was waiting for an answer.

Lilith felt mortified, a strong blush creeping up her cheeks. How does one answer to compliments? She just kind of shrugged and muttered a small “Uh- I guess, thanks”. _So smooth, could I possibly be weirder?_

"Also, how did you get here?" Camila looked at her intently, turning her head slightly sideways, attentive eyes like a puppy.

Camila immediately saw the taller woman's face contort, conflict clearly visible on her features. Maybe it wasn't the best time to ask that. They could take their minds off things and she could try later. After all, Camila definitely could use some sleep. She cleared her throat and said: 

“You know what? Rest up, we can talk after we get to the safe house or whenever you want. Just so you know, I'm here for you”. One assuring nod later, she turned once again to the window, deciding it was better to let Lilith process the last 24 hours, she might as well do the same, while enjoying the view of the Italian countryside. 

Lilith, who couldn't stop the blushing, almost let a deep sigh of relief while she settled as comfortably as the small car and Ava allowed and tried to relax her muscles. She noticed that, surprisingly, the tarask wound no longer burnt. Without second thoughts, she decided to listen to her body and closed her eyes to sleep, even if it was just for a little bit.

She started reflecting on the events that occurred not long ago as a way to put her mind at ease, trying to comprehend what in God's name had happened. She was driven by her new half to get to the Vatican, her demon side? Lilith didn´t know what to call it, she didn’t know what it meant, she knew virtually nothing. As fear creeped in, she listed at least thirty unanswered questions. 

She hadn´t been this terrified since the halo went amiss. _No, that fear wasn´t mine_. She made the effort to remember when was the last time she actually had feelings and thoughts that entirely belonged to her. The void she felt after losing Shannon, that was 100% her own since her mothers had dared to look happy when they got the news, only to disapprovingly stare after being informed their daughter wasn't the new halo bearer. 

Her head felt so messy, she had never been so uncertain of her abilities, of her willpower. But… at the same time, in the fight alongside her sisters she was in control and she would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy acting a bit wild. In fact, it felt great protecting her crew, her actions, no matter how rushed and uncoordinated, were hers. They were not shared with her legacy, not shared with the voices in her head, and certainly not shared with the requirements of her moms (Lilith imagined the look of utter horror from their faces if they ever found out her daughter was alive, now sharing her body with a hellish creature).

She was there because of her friends, her real family (and maybe because of the huge scar in her abdomen) and for the first time since God knows when, she was satisfied. _Weirdest feeling ever_ , she couldn’t help but to smile at the thought and the newest, most annoying member of her family caught it immediately.

“What´s wrong with you, grandma? Second time I see you smile and it doesn't get less strange” Ava teased, poking at Lilith's arm, bursting her calm bubble. Although she hadn't seen Delilah in years, she knew Ava was a worthy substitute for the annoying sister part. _God keeps me humble_. She opened her eyes while sighing. 

"I could ask you the same thing since you haven't spoken a word since we got away. A few more minutes and I would have considered it truly a miracle." 

Ava was surprised to get an equally teasing answer. Maybe Lilith wasn't so bad after all, she hadn't tried to kill her in a while and now she was playing her games, even if she sounded like a 300-year-old vampire. In addition to having super cool grey hair. Holy shit.

"I'm shooketh-" The halo bearer said while pressing her hand to her heart, the teasing never faltering "-to my core to hear such hurting words, my lad-"

"Shut up." Lilith cut her off with a scowl.

"Ava, as much as I appreciate your attempts to lighten the mood, we're all tired and I don't need you two arguing and waking Mary up. Now move your leg and let Lilith sleep because she will be driving after me." Beatrice interrupted, briefly turning around, clearly amused by her antics. Meanwhile, Camila watched all of it while trying to cover up her grin with her hands. 

"Sorry, madam. I won't say a word from now on. Sweet dreams, Geralt" Ava said while making a gesture of sealing her lips and throwing away the imaginary key. She moved her left leg and shot Lilith a totally exaggerated wink before turning to her right side.

The taller woman finally unclenched her jaw and felt more comfortable now she could stretch. She was thankful that the sun had already set in the horizon, allowing the starts to start dotting the deep blue sky in all sorts of patterns. Her favourite time of the day. After stealing one last look at Camila, she closed her eyes again, letting out a deep breath.

 _Finally…_ her limbs relaxed, her breath synced, her head cleared. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lilith woke up later, she couldn't have guessed for how long she had slept, but she was definitely feeling better. The moonlight was reflecting on the sea, mere meters away from the road. Beatrice was quietly humming to the radio when she noticed her friend was awake.

"We have a about an hour until we reach the next town. Then we can switch." She said quietly as not to wake their sisters. Lilith only gave her a firm nod to signal her agreement. She took a second to stretch her legs once again but she suddenly felt a weight on her shoulder.

_Oh no._

Camila had her head on Lilith's shoulder and she was pressed against her. To say she almost choked on air was a pretty spot-on appreciation, her body definetely feeling the sensory overload. She was not used to being so close to people, let alone sweet Camila's touch. Before panicking, she made a pros and cons list in her head. What else would she do? It felt a bit wrong but also amazing.

She battled with herself for like five minutes until she decided that, at least, in order to regain the movement of her left arm, now crushed by Camila, she had to move it. And if she happened to move it slowly around Camila's small back to hold her, that was just pure coincidence. She had to admit it: it was like heaven. Camila was so warm and her hair tickled Lilith's neck, the latter noticing only now that Camila no longer had her wimple on.

 _Yep, this is good. There's nothing wrong. Just helping my friend sleep better_.

She didn't notice it, too enthralled by Camila's closeness but Beatrice could barely contain her laughter as she saw her childhood best friend being a mess, her usually stoic face turned into a rollercoaster of expressions. _Whipped_ , Beatrice thought. 

After another five minutes, Lilith had finally calmed down and let herself enjoy the other woman's presence. Nearly on the verge of falling asleep a second time, she felt Camila sneaking her arm around Lilith's waist and holding strongly on to her, shifting her legs to get even closer, their bodies a perfect tangle. The dark haired woman let out a happy sigh and relaxed in Lilith's arms.

"You're comfy, Lily." Camila whispered into her neck.

_Oh, Holy Jesus Chri--_


	2. acts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith explores her feelings a bit. And they all have fun, at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I wasn't planning on updating until Thursday but I'm super inspired omg. This isn't beta read or edited thoroughly so sorry for any mistakes. I hope you enjoy it!

It's been seven days since they arrived safely at the safe house and seven days since Lilith couldn't get a proper night of sleep. Between the uneasiness Adriel had caused back in the Vatican and the strange routine they were still getting accustomed to, her sleeping hours were all over the place, getting 3-4 hours at most.

The first six days were spent reorganizing their lives. Mother Superior had contacted them while they were still travelling and told them to lay low until there weren't fires literally everywhere. She had estimated it would take about ten days to two weeks. Besides she made it very clear: there was no way they could come back to Cat's Cradle right now, let alone traveling such a long distance with the halo bearer protected by only four people, regardless of how well trained they were, she didn't trust Adriel nor Duretti.

Before taking the route to their new temporary house, they first stopped by in the nearest town, cleaning themselves up the best they could and later buying everything they needed, including civilian clothes (thankfully Camila supervised Ava's choices). Beatrice had paid with a card her parents had sent her discreetly for emergencies.

"Such a rightful sister..." Lilith had said sarcastically.

"You never know, we would be lost without it, no?" Beatrice answered shortly before being interrupted by Ava.

"Beatrice is our sugar mummy now". 

If looks could kill, Ava would have been killed at least three times in a row that day.

When they finally arrived at the modest summer house in the middle of the Italian countryside, the women let out a collective sigh of relief. Once they had unloaded their goods and got comfortable, they tended to Mary's wounds properly, Camila announcing cheerfully they already looked a lot better than they did a few hours ago. Fortunately, her more serious wounds were far from any organs or main arteries. After patching up the last slash across her arm, Camila, radiant energy and all, told them surely Shannon was defending her from the monsters and that's why she had survived ("Your guardian angel, Mary"). Mary couldn’t contain her tears just as she unquestionably accepted Camila's bear hug. Beatrice had excused herself and instantaneously ran to the bathroom while Lilith stealthily got rid of the tears that threatened to fall. Ava, feeling the tense atmosphere and not really knowing what to do, attemped to lighten up the mood while joking with Mary and Camila, immediately responded by Camila´s chuckle and Mary’s snort. Admiring the moment, the two other women now stood recovering silently and watching from a distance. They began the preparations to cook lunch, no words, beyond the necessary, spoken between them.

The rest of the days were spent recovering, cooking, rethinking their plans, preparing for a possible second attack, talking, and training. Granted there was no way to make Camila and Ava wake up early and Mary could only be a spectator, only Beatrice and Lilith trained as they conventionally did back in Cat's Cradle.

Not allowing herself to spend too much time with her sisters in case they asked too many questions, Lilith usually declared that she had been so exhausted during the day that she would call it an early night. She needed her alone time to sort out her thoughts and to properly pray. So, whenever their time to sleep came, she would just go to her room, fall into her assigned bed and in minus ten minutes she was steadily breathing, although she never got to the deep slumber.

Always the good Catholic girl her mothers had raised, praying had been a constant aspect in her life. However, it was hard to make a connection with God lately. She had boasted herself about having a great relationship with him during her entire life, at times he was her only friend. Therefore, she talked to him just the way she imagined friends did with each other, trust and loyalty above all. Just like her and Delilah back in the day, or even her and Beatrice in boarding school. Except she had never closed off to God, until now.

It was impossible to make that connection, to even speak to him without feeling guilty or anxious. She was hellish now. But, once again, her mind wandered to her still fuzzy time in hell. _Who is God? How do I know this isn’t a lie? Who can I trust?_

Millions of questions clouded her mind whilst anxiety and exhaustion fought head to head, letting her catch only the necessary amount of sleep to exist through another day. Her faith was broken and so were the illusions she had built around herself, desperately looking for approval and vindication. _Always thought not getting the halo was the biggest betrayal to my family. Guess I was wrong._

Each new day started whenever she heard the first bird chirp out the window, she hastily got ready and went for a long run (and secretly checked the perimeter), it didn't matter if it was cold or rainy or windy. The exertion of her muscles were enough to distract her. By the time Lilith came back, the sun was already up in the sky and breakfast was ready. She always sat on the table alongside her warrior sisters, unconcerned then because her mind didn't have time to go to dark places in the daylight. 

But today, today was different. As soon as she stepped her foot on the entrance, Ava had said a little too loudly:

"Today we rest Lilith! Beatrice said we are finally done with reading and planning and there's so much we can do before we drive ourselves crazy, right? Right? Sooooo, what do you wanna do?" 

"Good morning to you too, Ava. I don't kn-"

"Camila and I want to go to the stream nearby the Northern hill and have a picnic, just like in movies! Beatrice already said yes, Mary glared at me but she'll come, will you? Pretty pleaseeeee?" She longed out her plea, getting directly in Lilith's way, showing her praying hands and puppy eyes. 

"Um, sure. I'll go, but let me take a shower first." 

"Yayyyyy, you’re amazing!" She hugged the taller woman, who in turn stiffened at the touch. Shoving her off rather abruptly (She’ll be fine, she’s the halo bearer), Lilith shook off some dust and made her way towards the bathroom. Coincidentally, as she was about to open the door, Camila opened it from the other side and walked out of the bathroom. 

She never came across the younger woman in the mornings. She got up early everyday before sunrise and Camila stayed in bed until late, clearly seizing the fact they weren't in Cat's Cradle anymore. They usually crossed each other’s paths by lunch, after Lilith’s and Beatrice training. So it was a surprise seeing her, a delightful one.

Her short hair combed in an adorable way, the cut in her cheekbone slowly healing and the clothes she was wearing a lot nicer than her usual habit. Lilith also noticed her clothes were a bit more revealing, she could barely see her collarbones but it was enough to send Lilith spiralling into a mumbling mess.

"I’m sorry! Hi! Good Cami- uh, I meant, good morning Camila, you are- you look nice". She facepalmed mentally while she felt her redness creeping up her neck, reaching her cheeks as she heard Camila giggling softly.

"Good morning, Lilith! Thank you, that's sweet of you. Are you joining the picnic?" She smiled sweetly while looking expectantly at Lilith, who nodded quickly, small strands of hair falling from her ponytail, and showed her a tight-lipped smile.

"Awesome! I got up early and made lots of food to enjoy the afternoon. We can even hike up the hill if you want to. Um... anyways, I'll let you get ready" She waved at her while walking towards the kitchen, Lilith returned the wave and made her way towards the shower, immediately catching sight of the hideous looking bottle of perfume Ava had bought in a "shopping spree". Since she didn't like it, it was passed around until Camila decided to keep it for herself. Lemon and woodsy notes were all around the place, Lilith took a deep breath while taking off her clothes. She wanted to keep that fragrance around forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hours went by eating, chatting, walking around the immediate surroundings of the stream. Lilith felt everyone had relaxed at last, herself included. It had been a splendid day and she still couldn’t believe she had skipped training. She even took a moment after lunch and walked to a secluded area and got down on her knees. She tried to pray for her friends, for the OCS, for Mother Superior and lastly for her family. Her head couldn’t get to the stillness she desired but that became the least of her worries when she heard screams. Hurriedly, she decided to run back, scared and reading herself for a fight, only to find her sisters were now playing in the water, Ava _of course_ already soaked head to toe.

The halo bearer tried to throw water her way but Lilith just teleported behind her, pushing her off her balance and smugly smiling at Camila, who was grinning at their antics. Ava caught their interaction and took advantage of the taller woman’s distraction. She grabbed Lilith’s right ankle straight away and pushed forward with all of the strength, coping the movement from their first ever training session.

The way Lilith realized what Ava had done was comically tragic, Beatrice saw the very second her face completely changed, sudden panic taking over her features as she fell into the stream. It wasn’t even that deep, Beatrice knew the sting to her pride was far deeper. Ava doubled over cackling so loud it even scared the nearby birds.

“Ha! You should have seen your face, I Lilith-ed you! That was so funny, oh my God…” Ava danced around Lilith’s body mockingly. Now sitting on the grass, Mary and Camila joined the choir of laughter, rarely getting the chance to catch Lilith so off guard.

“Language!” Both Beatrice and Lilith said, the latter slowly getting up and facing Ava. With fists closed at her sides, she tried to pretend she wasn’t amused (or proud). It was no secret Lilith towered over Ava but the halo bearer was far from scared seeing that Lilith looked like a wet cat. She was also terrible at hiding her smile. Her waves of laughter still resonated around them.

“I could have hit my head with a rock. Are. You. Crazy?!” Lilith jabbed her finger at Ava´s chest with every word, trying to scold her but barely containing her laughter.

“You didn’t think of that when you pushed me! How convenient!” The halo bearer rebutted, throwing her arms up in the air in false outrageous disbelief. Beatrice now at her side, gently taking one of her extended arms and guiding her to sit down once more.

“You’ll regret it, Ava!” Lilith playfully threatened her, getting two middle fingers up from the other woman in return. She simpered at the image and walked to where Mary and Camila were, Mary threw her a towel and warned her not to sit down beside them until she was dry.

She walked a few meters to where she had direct sunlight in her way and let the warm rays hit her skin whilst she stretched and smiled. _I don't care if you can´t hear me, but thank you for this_.

Soon it was time to return to the house. Beatrice didn't want them walking in the dark, Mary still not at her fullest and Ava being the clumsiest person alive. No one protested and they made their way back. Lilith definitely enjoyed walking while contemplating the sun setting, the rosy clouds and the soft breeze she felt through her hair. She also may have enjoyed Camila's presence right next to her, her arms softly brushing every few meters, obviously an unconscious casual movement. Mary and Beatrice shared a look after they noticed the pair, Ava followed their gaze before whispering "what am I missing?" and getting immediately shushed by both women.

With the house in sight, Lilith let out a deep breath. It wasn't on fire or had Adriel waiting by the door, _that's good_. She suddenly felt the absence of Camila, turned to her right and saw the curly haired woman a few meters away kneeling and inspecting gently all the wildflowers around her. She started fondly at her antics until Mary reached her and elbowed her out of the stupor.

"Like the view?" She said while raising her eyebrows teasingly.

"I- I don't know what you're talking about, Mary". 

"I might have a concussion and my right eye swollen as fuck but I'm not dumb". 

"Language." Lilith decided to focus only on the cursing. But she'd be lying if she said Mary's words hadn't resonated within her. Camila was really a sight to behold, even more when her happiness was so vigorous that she spreaded it all around, turning dull grey stamps into gorgeous, colourful slides. 

She felt the elbow to her side once more and hissed out an irritated 'what?' but saw Mary pointing not to Camila but to the other pair of women, who were already reaching the house. They were holding hands and Ava's head was on Beatrice's shoulder, from her place Lilith could definitely see the soft golden hue of the halo escaping the restraints of Ava's armor, just like Shannon's back when she was with Mary. She noticed Mary trailing off after them and wiping a tear, an action she pretended not to see for reasons (she didn't want to get punched). She couldn't help but to imagine Shannon right next to her. _Still whipped_.

As she was smiling at the view, Camila silently returned to her side and put her hand on Lilith's shoulder, making the taller girl turn and look at her softly.

"They're cute, aren't they?" 

"Yeah, they are." 

In a surge of confidence that even shocked herself, Lilith slowly offered her hand towards Camila, which she took fondly but rather quickly, afraid that the taller woman would regret her outburst. It was impossible to fight off the beam that took over when Camila was right there looking so adorable, so unburdened, so pure. 

They started walking in the same direction the other three women had taken, now the sky showing some of its constellations. Lilith looked up appreciating the view while Camila guided her, explaining which type of flowers she had seen and how different they were from the ones in Scotland and Spain.

The firm hold on her hand didn't go unnoticed, Lilith squeezing it every time Camila started to go quiet, as if telling her she was still listening. 

Lilith knew she would sleep soundly today. She also knew she would cherish this day forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> collarbones and night sky watching, am I right? small note: I hate citrus for myself but I feel it’d fit Camila so well? lol.  
> I'm so grateful for your support and I hope I can write a lots of fics to make you all happy. If you have any prompts (we ship all ships in this house!), I'm @Valentine at discord or @technicallyamuffin on tumblr.  
> Anyways, thanks so much for reading :) See you soon!
> 
> ps: you are loved! take care! :)


	3. interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilith reflects on her past. Beatrice and Lilith share an honest talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo sorry for taking centuries to update this fic! Life's been hard, college too. I couldn't find the time or inspiration to write. But, here I am! this one is kind of a filler but this conversation needed to happen in my mind in order to move on. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it :)

No one trained as Lilith did. Ever since she was tall and strong enough to hold a sword, she had been paired up with teachers and tutors to learn all the tricks and moves to become the most competent fighter in her family. Moreover, her parents hoped she’d be, one day, the best in the Order. Lilith was tactical, competent and she enjoyed her training. There was just one aspect of it that she didn't understand: it was never enough. She found herself often wishing she could be just like her peers, no weird obligations, no pressure.  But no matter how she felt, her mothers made sure that everyone got the news that she would most likely become the next halo bearer. Lilith had to pretend she was proud even though she barely grasped the concept. She only knew she had to train to become faster, stronger, better. What her parents didn't realize until she was too far gone is that her immaculate discipline had also arisen from the fact that training was the only way to distance herself from her parents’ pestering. She struggled until she grew accustomed, the walls protecting her heart growing taller and sturdier with every accurately landed punch. Still, no one dared to question her destiny, not even Lilith herself. Until Shannon came into the picture. 

The woman was kind and welcoming and everything that Lilith wasn’t- actually, she was everything that Lilith had to unlearn to deal with the loneliness and constant anguish. She was surprised to find a friend in Shannon, in fact, a wonderful friend. Another quality Lilith didn´t possess. Shannon worked her way through Lilith’s defenses and managed to make her join her squad. At first, she tried to dismiss their affection. A job proved to be incredibly hard since Lilith already knew Beatrice from a young age and Mary from their teenage years at Cat's Cradle. Even the stranger, Camila, made it impossible to keep the facade. It was nice to belong somewhere, to receive love even though she didn’t know how to return it properly.

When she visited her mothers during a particularly harsh winter, they hadn't even tried to moderate their words as they warned her about Shannon being a threat, how Shannon was steering Lilith away from her duty. Seemingly possessed by her 9-year-old foolhardy self, she had been honest with them, even daring to question their command: she liked just fine being a warrior sister, maybe the halo wasn´t for her. Maybe that life wasn't for her.  _ Your only responsibility is to become the halo bearer, those senseless friendships and moments lost in idleness will drive you away from your legacy, Lilith _ .  _ You´re not Delilah and you’re not just another warrior sister _ . Their answer had been short and smooth, completely opposite to the pain caused by it.

She couldn´t confront them after that so she tried to work out her problem. She was skilled in martial arts, sword fighting, and gun handling, but understanding her emotions was a completely different deal. The regular visits to her family became sparse, insignificant even. The distance was the only potential solution she could come up with, it had worked before. It was ironic to think she had condemned her twin not long ago for doing the same thing she was doing now. Not minding the distance or her words, her mothers kept on shouting from the rooftop how she had a grandiose fighting technique and how brilliant her strategies were. However, through mandatory phone calls, she was berated rather than praised.

Then, Shannon got the halo. Another thing Lilith didn't have.

Her mind seemed to fight itself, crashing waves of intruding thoughts kept her awake at night, afraid that one day they’d flood the peaceful island she had built in the OCS with her friends. Unfortunately, the catastrophe happened. As much as she enjoyed Shannon’s company, somewhere along the way the hatred her parents installed began to affect their friendship. She was troubled, she could no longer feel the comfort and easiness around her tight-knit group. Shannon became just another bearer in her eyes, specifically her predecessor. Kilometers away, she still failed to keep her parents’ voices outside her head. Her deep-rooted wish was to find Delilah, ask her how she had done it. She spent more and more time isolated, busy from dawn till dusk, not allowing herself the time to process what was happening. One thing she had the certainty of was that she must have been also a disappointment to her friends, they wouldn't want her back.

It was gut-wrenching to watch the change, truly. The usually quiet, meticulous yet warm-hearted (once you got to know her) and curious Lilith slowly dissipated as years of training went by, her smile turned into a tight line, barely present, and her face already showed worry lines despite her young age. Nothing seemed to bring her joy or satisfaction, her legacy depriving her of the tenderness and peacefulness she craved.

\-----------------------------

Her mind was evidently not collaborating with the meditation Beatrice and she was trying to do right now. She had been right, her last night of sleep had been of the best she’d had since Ava arrived. She decided to account that little victory to their little afternoon spent in the stream whilst unsuccessfully ignoring the tingling her whole body felt from her moments with Camila. Waking up refreshed, Lilith went on her run and later came across Beatrice, who was ready for the usual training session. 

She went back to her recent thoughts, guilt, and regret vigorously splashed across all those memories.  _ How could I be so blind? If only I had chosen myself instead of their praise _ . Now Shannon was gone. Now the possible acceptance from her mothers was out of the picture, if their love seemed unreachable before, being half demon certainly obliterated those few chances. 

“You’re thinking too loud, Lilith.” Beatrice interrupted her thoughts. Lilith opened her eyes, turned to her friend, and saw her looking intently. “You´re tapping your fingers against your leg and I can see your brow furrowing”

“Sorry, Beatrice. I can't seem to focus right now. I can leave if you’d like.” The grey-haired woman said. Embarrassed from the unusual fidgeting, she intertwined her hands together, pressing firmly.

“It’s okay, I’m just worried. We haven’t had the time to talk since… well, since Shannon. I think we owe ourselves a conversation.” Their friendship was unconventional, barely acknowledging each other at times. When they first met, they were both running from their families’ expectations (even if they were too young to understand what that entailed). They both knew too much about the other to be wounded by the cutting words or cold attitude they had perfectly manufactured. 

“About?” Dismissal clear in her voice.

“You, the Vatican, the nightmares, our lives now, Ava, Mary, Camila, me… The list is endless.”

“Ava?-” Lilith said, choosing the least personal, but still touchy, subject. “- She did a great job, I’m proud. It’s undeniable that the halo likes her. God has a plan for each of us.”

“Yes… me too. Does that mean you won't try to cut it out of her body anymore?” With one glare, Lilith felt all the anger Beatrice’s voice couldn’t disclose. 

Lilith exhaled loudly through her nose as if she found it funny. “I’m sorry. I mean, I have my things to figure out now so Ava can keep it.” she paused to gather her thoughts. “Though we both know it, the halo would have rejected me. Any of you is more worthy of the halo than me.”

“Don't say that. I’m sur-”

“No need to indulge me, Beatrice, let’s keep the honesty. You knew it from the start, yet it took me several years and a trip to hell and back to accept that my mothers’ wish would never be granted. I was far too corrupted to host the halo. The worst part is that I knew it, back when Shannon first arrived, but I let their voices get into my head. I don’t even know how I got your forgiveness.” She grimaced at her weakness and looked straight ahead, afraid to make eye contact with her friend.

Beatrice took Lilith´s hands in hers and pulled slightly, making the taller woman shift her gaze back at her. “I cannot deny you have acted poorly, fighting us. Your words scorched and I found you insufferable at some point, your envy palpable from meters away. We all make mistakes but… you are our family. We can't stay apart for that long.”

“Still, I’m so disconcerted at my incapability. What if it happens again in a few years? What if I betray you again?” The next words were her biggest concern. “What if I hurt you? I don't want to be like my mothers.”  _ Heartless _ .

“And you’ll never be like them because deep down you’re a good person. You may be unforgiving with us sometimes, but you are learning to own up to your mistakes. That's infinitely more than what your mothers did. We won´t leave you alone. God has also a plan for you, even if you can’t see it right now.” Beatrice held her hands more firmly as to emphasize her words. seeing Beatrice so calm made her think twice about bringing up her dilemma but in the end, she took a chance.

“That's the issue, Beatrice.”

“What do you mean?”

“I haven't been able to relax, to find God in my prayers ever since I di- came back. I know I’m not wanted anymore. That I’m yet another disappointment. My body was completely mine but now I can't even say that. My brain is so tired of battling itself. Nevertheless, I’ve never felt better.” Tears were now free-falling from her eyes.

“Oh… Lilith, I-” The taller woman despised the pity in Beatrice’s voice but she let her continue. “I struggle with the same problem. It’s been incredibly hard to find him lately. He doesn't pick up my calls” Was Beatrice joking… about  _ God _ ?  _ What has Ava done? _

“On one hand, that was a terrible joke. On the other, misery loves company. You and I again, who would have thought?” Lilith shrugged as she let out a small smile.

Beatrice suddenly shifted from her stance and gave a crushing hug to Lilith, almost knocking her out from her position. To say both women were shocked was an understatement, physical affection rarely manifested around them. It took a second for Lilith to react, but soon her arms were enveloped around the smaller woman, wondering what was wrong with her friend.

“I was afraid to bring it up” Beatrice’s muffled voice was against her neck. “Of course you would understand. I've been struggling with other thoughts as well.”

Lilith tried to encourage her to talk. “Ava?”

Beatrice let go and Lilith could see the redness in her cheeks. “Yes, Ava. She um- she is amicable.” 

“Amicable, are you serious?” Lilith scoffed, amused at her friend's antics.

“I… I like her, more than I should. Suddenly, I am back at boarding school, you know, conflict all over my thoughts.”

“It’s okay. You’re allowed to feel that way, you know what I think about it.” Beatrice tried to chime in but Lilith held up a hand. “After all this time, I’m afraid we were just another piece to the gear we desperately tried to disarm. If the church is so good, how come it was built all around lies? Beatrice, they only tried to force us into an illusion, to make us another pawn. I don’t even know what to believe now. But happiness cannot be a sin, and if Ava is your happiness? I’m no one to judge.” 

“How do you take it so easily?” Lilith considered the words for a long time, going over all the possible scenarios of their future she could come up with. There was only one unalterable factor in all of them: they had each other and Ava, Mary… Camila too.

“I should ask you the same question. The answer for me is quite simple: we have each other. If we suffer, we’ll suffer together. It’s a good silver lining.” Lilith shrugged as Beatrice couldn't help but chuckle.

“You’re right.” Beatrice hesitated as she shifted to sit behind Lilith. “Can I braid your hair? For old time’s sake?” Lilith nodded before letting her hair free from the ponytail. She actually loved her new hair. The fact that she never got a rebellious phase during teenagehood made the change ten times more exciting (even if it was a bit scary).

The wind blew softly through the field, the grass swayed in sync with Lilith’s flowing hair. With all sorts of wildflowers scattered around them adorning the scenery, Beatrice took her time to delicately braid Lilith’s hair.

\---------------------------------

Hours later near noon, Mary found them sitting on the grass and she was stunned to hear them laughing so freely. When was the last time she had heard such an earnest expression from them? When was the last time she had seen them so comfortable without their usual clothing? They both turned around when she stepped into a twig, making her presence known. As much as she tried to be stealthy, they were Beatrice and Lilith, the latter now with some sort of hellish enhancement of abilities.

“Hey Mary. Want to join us?” Beatrice proposed as she grinned. 

“What’s wrong with yall? Did you get high on the poppies or something?” Mary chuckled to herself. She wishes Ava and Camila were awake to see this.

“Don’t be dumb. Join us, we are just remembering old times.” Lilith said while patting the space between them.

“Hey! No need to tell me twice.”

They first reminisced about Shannon, her pranks, and the terrible jokes she used to make. Then, Lilith took turns to apologize to each of them, oblivious to Mary’s insistent “you don’t have to”. She made a promise not long ago that she would care for her family and keep them as close as she could, she didn’t need her parents’ approval when she had them. She would make things right.

After the serious and heavy talks, the three of them laid down on the grass, looking up at the moving clouds. They exchanged ideas, dreams, secrets just like they did when they were younger. Even a few tears, but they wouldn’t talk about that. The clouds were blocking the sun, some rays escaped them though and lit up the ground in a weird yet flawless pattern. Heaven seemed too far away from Lilith as she went over her thoughts once more. But this place (and the company particularly) surely made up for the lost paradise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :) and also for putting up with my inconsistent self. thoughts, comments, questions? hit me up! see you next time. 
> 
> ps: you are loved! take care!  
> ps2: I have so many thoughts about Lilith, if only my first language was English so I could express myself better lol.


	4. time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camila opens up to Lilith, shit happens. Ava is always there to ruin an intimate moment. Mary is the only adult here and you can't convince me otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! This chapter is a bit longer, hope you like it :) I'm sure I'll update again in about five days and then I'm gone for the rest of October bc college owns my life lol. I'm planning for a super long awesome ending so hopefully, the wait will be worth it.

“If it isn’t Charlie’s Angels! You guys looked so cool walking back in sync.” Ava chirped from the couch as soon as Mary, Beatrice and Lilith went through the door. The latter also caught her making finger guns at them and the automatic response was to roll her eyes.

Mary walked over to the couch and plopped into it next to the halo bearer. “Ava, what are you doing up? You still have like one more hour of sleep.” She furrowed her brows as she playfully ruffled her blonde hair. Beatrice and Lilith made their way to the kitchen, already preparing their working space to have lunch.

“Hey! I’m a grownup and I can get up early like you! To train… and stuff.” Lilith shot her a look from her spot in the kitchen while Beatrice twisted her head in confusion at Ava’s notion of “early”.

“It’s literally past noon, Ava. We came back to wake you up and eat before we’re off to the town. By the way, where’s Camila?” Mary asked as she pointed to the shopping bags. Lilith also noticed Camila’s absence, although she was a late riser, it was weird not to see her in the kitchen by this time, helping Mary or Beatrice. Ava had been forbidden from the kitchen as a result of the hideous meal she had prepped as a “surprise”. Lilith, on the other hand, had little to no experience in cooking (her mothers didn’t want her wasting time, besides they already had cooks) so she just limited herself to help with the basics, little by little learning from her sisters. 

The two weeks Mother Superion had indicated at first passed quickly, and while they had no official news about Adriel or Duretti, they were pretty sure their status was not the most pristine. Excommunication was a word that appeared often in conversations the sisters shared, but the gravity attributed to it varied between them. Nonetheless, Superion made it very clear that they should stay sharp and be ready for trouble when she called two days ago. Besides the warning, she had ordered them to stay in the safe house until she could secure a route back to Cat’s Cradle. Beatrice had informed her that the nearby villagers had taken notice of them but Ava (and Camila as a translator) successfully charmed her way into their hearts, so no one batted an eye when they visited. For how long the stay would extend they didn’t know yet, cue the much-needed trip to the village to replenish their pantry.

“Yeah, about that... umm I gotta talk to you Bea!” Ava let out an awkward laugh before continuing. “Could we go to the room?” She pointed towards the hall and smiled sheepishly. Lilith and Mary shared an amused look as Beatrice swiftly nodded and began walking towards her room, which was Ava’s as well by now but the rest acted as if there were an unspoken agreement to ignore that fact (mostly for Beatrice, Lilith wishes she could tease Ava day and night).

Ava got up and tried to jump over the couch in a cool manner, emphasis on “tried”. Mary burst into laughter while Lilith tried very hard to contain her cackle as Ava’s foot got stuck on the arm rest and fell terribly to the floor. She got up quickly with a choir of ‘I'm okay’. Lilith swore she could hear her muttering something like ‘it’d have been so smooth’ as she followed Beatrice’s trail, her head hanging low in embarrassment as she rubbed her left arm.

“Oh, Camila said she wasn’t feeling well! Something about last night’s food or something. You could help her.” Ava shouted from the hall, turning around and waggling her eyebrows at Lilith, her embarrassment seemingly far gone by now. Lilith could only imitate Ava’s typical gesture, giving her the middle finger.

Ava mocked her from Beatrice’s door and she’d have chased her but Mary interrupted before she started her sprint, her voice teasing. “Why don’t you go and check on poor Camila?”

“Shut it, Mary.” Lilith had thought her feelings had gone unnoticed. Well, she didn’t know how to explain what she felt, but she knew there was something. She _hoped_ there was something. If only they weren’t running away from a demon and the church. Before getting lost in her mind once again, she put aside her self-consciousness and walked along the hallway to the furthest door on the left, Camila’s.

She knocked softly on it and waited for a response, when she didn’t get an answer for a solid three minutes, she opened it and poked her head in. The first thing she noticed was the blinds pulled all the way, the brightness blinding her for a second. Then she saw bed all messy, the sheets pulled from their place, pillows on the opposite side of where they should be, and Camila curled up next to the said pillows, her face covered. She felt like an intruder but still called out to her. “Camila? Are you okay?”

She saw the smaller woman stir and take her time to stretch as she turned towards the door. Lilith tried her best to not flush at the sight of Camila’s stomach. However, the moment she saw her at the threshold, she hastily sat up and smoothed out her pajamas. “Hey…” she smiled as the blush crept onto her cheeks. “Sorry, I know I overslept, I’ll be in the kitchen right away.”

Lilith could now see her bloodshot eyes and the bags underneath them. It was clear Camila barely got any sleep last night. She knew how that felt, but she was used to it. “Hey, no need to worry. Mary and Beatrice are on it. I just came to check if you were okay-” she took a deep breath, hoping Camila wouldn’t react as Lilith did with prickly subjects. “Did you have trouble sleeping? Is… um… something bothering you?”

“It's fine Lil-”

“I mean, we can talk about it. I don’t mind!” She blurted out before the shorter woman had a chance to shut her out. She was trying to get better at this. Besides, who wouldn’t want to listen to Camila’s voice?

“Oh! Are you sure?” Lilith nodded. “Okay, come in then.” Camila sounded surprised before gesturing for the woman at the door to come in and sit on the bed. Lilith would be lying if she said she had a plan. _How do you strategize for a conversation?_ She hadn’t thought so far out. Still, she came in and sat awkwardly at the corner of the bed, directly in front of Camila.

“So… what’s up?” _Oh dear lord_ , she was starting to sound like Ava. “I mean, what is bothering you?”

Camila couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at the taller woman’s strange behavior but she got scarily serious from one second to another. “I’ve been having nightmares, terrible ones. There’s Adriel, hell, and wraiths. Then you guys, he’s hurting you and I can’t do anything about it, and the scenarios change but it’s always the same ending. But…” Camila made a long pause in which Lilith paid careful attention to her furrowed brows and glassy eyes. She took one of her small hands between her palms to reassure the short-haired girl.

“Last night, I saw Shannon, she was desperately asking for help, I- I couldn’t move. It was horrible. When I woke up, I felt this deep anguish in m- my chest and I didn’t even feel safe in this room. Every time I went back t- to sleep, the same image would creep up and I- I don’t want to be useless... I don't want you to suffer. I always try to look at the bright side... but it’s getting harder and harder as the days go by. Not to mention that we might be excommunicated. What will I do? I can’t go back to my mother and be like ‘Hey mom, did you know the OCS is built on lies’. What am I going to do?” Whiplash was the perfect word to describe what Lilith felt after that rambling, not used to it at all. Nonetheless, after Camila dried her heavy tears, she took her other hand and gripped them tightly, trying to find the words she wanted.

“Camila… first you’re not useless; in fact, you’re a key part of this time, you could never be useless.” She saw the shorter woman calm down a bit and decided to continue. “If we have to face excommunication, we’ll face it together. As all of us are guilty as charged. I also understand your reservations, I can’t be the one to judge... Still, you would reprimand us if we didn’t open up about what’s bothering us. You can talk to us about nightmares, about anything, you know? Beatrice, Mary, and I were just talking about that.”

Camila let out a chuckle and Lilith couldn’t help but give her a confused look. “What? I’m being serious!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It’s just that I think I never saw you speak for so long about something that wasn’t tactics or training.” _Oh. Funny._ Lilith shook her head in disbelief as she chuckled in unison with Camila, the atmosphere evidently lighter now.

“And I thought I was the vile one. Anyways, what I mean is… I know you can protect yourself perfectly fine, but we’ll alw-” she decided to be brave. “I’ll always be beside you. We can figure it out together, whatever ‘it’ is.”

She had seen Camila’s face a thousand times, still, it felt as good as the first time to watch her light up. “Thank you, Lily. I’ll be there for you too. Now, should we go and help with cooking?”

“Wait!” She would be lying if she said she wanted this moment to end. If it were for her, lunch could wait, their friends could wait, she’d put the whole word on standby. Being around the short-haired woman was just so effortless, she was shocked to find her time with Camila as comfortable as the silence she was used to most of her life. But she felt Camila’s urgency to end with the unpleasantness of a conversation centered around her so she was quick and precise with her next words.

“Yeah?”

“What if you joined me in the mornings? Maybe we can train, I won’t make you get up at 5 am but training will tire you out. I mean, I do that to sleep better.”

“I should probably start training again regardless of my nightmares,” Camila said as she cringed, clearly embarrassed from missing almost two weeks of it. “Also, we can talk about your nightmares too if you want to.”

“No…” The short-haired woman pouted at the word thus she speeded up. “Today is about you. I’ll tell you something you said to me once. I denied it vehemently at first but it is true: progress isn’t linear. It’s okay not to be the sunshine you are every day. You’re entitled to feeling bad as well. And... um, let me reciprocate. Reciprocality is good, right?” When Lilith’s mini speech was over, Camila practically blinded her with that beam of hers.

“Come closer.” Lilith was confused at the sudden order but she still followed suit and moved towards Camila, her mind racing miles per second and the heat burning her cheeks. As she was about to ask what this was about, the short-haired woman kissed her on the cheek, effectively leaving Lilith speechless. She could hear the whispered ‘thank you, Lily’ but her mind was shut down.

The moment she regained her composure, besides the butterflies in her stomach, she noticed Camila’s lovely eyes, filled with something she couldn’t describe. Lilith slowly got up and made her way to the door, opening it before she turned back to the still beaming woman. “Tonight or any day… you’ll knock on my door if anything happens, promise?”

“Promise, Lily.”

She waved awkwardly and left Camila alone so she could get ready. What she wasn’t expecting was Ava right outside the room, a cheesy smile plastered on her face. Was she eavesdropping? Lilith wasn’t sure, but the teasing look she gave her was enough to make Lilith want to strangle her. She smirked as a heads up before chasing her down the hallway, the halo bearer barely having time to run.

“Beatrice, _Lily_ is being mean! Help me!” She shrieked before disappearing thanks to the halo. Lilith decided to just stay in the kitchen and help out. After all, revenge is a plate best served cold. And she was anything but cold right now.

\-------------------------------------------------

After a great lunch, in which Ava had insisted to sit the furthest away from Lilith (just in case), Beatrice, Ava, and Camila got ready and drove off to the nearest town, where they would find the weekly farmer’s market and get everything they needed. Mary and Lilith stayed behind, washing their dishes and cleaning up.

One of the reasons Lilith stayed behind was her appearance. As much as she liked her new hair, Lilith couldn't come across any other people aside from her friends. The greyness of it was too suspicious and a noticeable trait from afar if somebody was on their chase. She also had to be careful with her negative feelings, a bit too much of them and her nails would start expanding unbeknown to her. The decision to stay in was made right after the first (and last) time she accompanied Beatrice. The looks were almost unbearable to her. Ava was happy to replace her and even made sure she got Lilith a special something each time she went to town. 

‘Preferential treatment!’ the others mocked them playfully while being glad their relationship became so much better after the Vatican. They still had their bouts, it was so entertaining for Lilith to bother Ava and the halo bearer surely enjoyed teasing Lilith. But they were also in sync now. Literally.

This synchronization was discovered at the beginning of the second week by accident. As Lilith was checking the perimeter on her matutine run, she suddenly felt a pang on her abdomen, the pain bearable but when she looked down, her wound shined a weak gold. _Like the halo_. The teleportation back to the house took her a few tries, but when she appeared right next to Ava’s bed, she saw the blonde woman panting and shaking, the nightmare she’d just had a bit too real. They talked it out and decided to test if they were connected. The results were impressive.

They found out Lilith felt the halo as she closed her eyes, no matter how far Ava would go, the moment the halo was shining so was her wound. There were also different sensations, depending on what Ava did. It was extraordinary. They were somehow joined by the halo and Beatrice insisted they worked on managing this new side of herself and also encouraged Lilith to pinpoint each reaction to a specific action from Ava. She was getting better at it and by now, she could use the “powers” (she hated Ava) mostly upon her request. She wishes her family could see her now, fully realizing her potential.

The second reason arose from that. Dividing them was smart since Lilith would know if Ava was in danger and vice versa. Cue to her and Mary drying the dishes before storing them away. The silence was comfortable, neither one a rambunctious woman.. They worked as one while looking out the window, the sky now flooded with grey clouds. It seemed like a storm was approaching. Lilith remembered from her time with her grandparents, not too far away from where they were staying, that such clouds signaled thunder and lightning. As she placed the last plate in the cabinet, they looked at each other for a solid minute before they both broke the silence at the same time. 

“So, you and Camila?”

“How did you know you loved Shannon?”

“What?!” Mary wasn't expecting such a blunt question from the queen of repression herself. She could see the other woman’s confusion in her eyes and her stance, strangely hunched as if she tried to hide.

“Sorry... if I bother you with this question. I just need help. How do you exactly know what you feel?”

“Why don’t we sit on the couch?” Mary led Lilith with a hand in her upper back and after they adjusted themselves there, she continued. “Is this about Camila?”

Lilith nodded faintly and started to play with the hem of her shirt. If Mary didn’t know better, she would have believed this was not their Lilith. She heard her mutter “She kissed me on the cheek today.” 

“She what?! Watch out, Casanova!” She couldn’t help but laugh, which was retaliated by Lilith punching her shoulder and making an angry face.

“It’s a bit funny, admit it.” When she saw Lilith fuming, she was quick to apologize. “Sorry! Now, serious, have you ever been kissed on the cheek by someone you liked?”

“No.”

“Oh, so you like Camila?” Mary showed her the millionth teasing smile of the day.

“I guess so, that’s why I’m talking to you!” Lilith shrugged as she pointed with her hands at Mary, the frustration was palpable.

“Then tell me about it.” The grey-haired woman shot her an incredulous look but decided to go on anyway.

“When I was little... I always thought love was unnecessary, just another weight to carry in your bag. At least that’s what I was taught. It’s horrible to build up all these defenses for years, so nothing can hurt you and then people wander into your life, they break those walls. Each time my parents told me love was just a way of being held hostage, it felt like a bullet tearing its way into my heart. It hurt, in a whole-body-soul-mind way. But I- I shook that pain off. God became my mission.” Mary nodded as she listened to Lilith’s rambling, trying to keep a poker face so she didn’t scare the woman away from talking, something she very much needed after all those years in that mansion.

“Not long ago, after I distanced from my family… and you all, I started to think love had to be a loud thing, making you burst out into a grin at the very thought of the one you love. Like you and Shannon did. I didn’t feel that way about God, or anybody else. I closed myself off afraid I could never be that, that I would always be alone. Alone as in nobody in the world could ever understand my mind. I had to fill in the shoes of the protagonist, the narrator, and judge of my behavior forever. Not my mothers, not my sister, certainly not you, who I thought filled the shoes of the judge for a long time. My words cut through sharp as a knife while I was left to drown in my mind.” Lilith had trouble getting some of the words out but honestly, it felt amazing. Her head felt already ten times lighter. Though the knot on her throat didn’t go away.

She took a deep breath. “Then, eventually, Camila arrived. Camila, who seemed to understand that I was underwater, even if my image was refracted, broken, at first. It’s not that you, Bea, and Shannon didn’t get me, it was just different with Camila. We spent a little time together. But we shared stories and feelings and created our own experiences. She knows what’s underneath. Sometimes I feel we could be one person split in two, it’s ridiculous. I am realizing that maybe love can be a quiet thing, to be shared peacefully and in solitude with one another. It is respecting her, it is trusting her enough to share my thoughts, hopes, and fears, especially the screwed up bits, which I have a lot. God, I could even dress up in a hideous outfit if she asked me.”

“Language!” Mary chastised her playfully as she smiled from the words that left Lilith's mouth.

“I know it’s a state of being and that’s subject to change. I don’t know how I am ever going to be enough for Camila, it’s evident I’m not worthy of having her by my side. But nothing would make me happier right now than being human with her. Even as friends.”

“That was beautiful. Shannon made me feel human too, she was my anchor. Love doesn’t take just one shape. Love can be whatever you want it to be. And please, don’t say those things because you’re enough. The person you end up with is going to be one lucky motherfucker! Don’t let the voices get into your head.” She took a pause and reached for Lilith’s head, ruffling her braided hair as she laughed. “Also, you’re in deep, Lilith! You should ask her on a date, pick up wildflowers. So romantic!”

Lilith grabbed Mary’s hand and shook her off while covering her face in embarrassment. Now Mary definitely suspected somebody had taken the old Lilith and replaced her. Maybe that’s what a trip to another plane does to you. Come what may, she adored her friend.

“Guess I’m not heartless.”

“No, I’m sorry, you’re a pain in the ass and stubborn as a mule, but heartless, nooo.” Lilith was so done with Mary’s teasing but she let it go, choosing instead to pat her on the shoulder.

“Thanks. Want to spar?” She said as she pointed to the entrance door.

“Always. Let’s go before the rain catches us, but you gotta go easy on me!” They walked outside and up to the small field of poplars in the gently sloping hill. Their sparring was like an immaculate dance, perfectly practiced, hard to break. Lilith didn’t use her full force on Mary as she was still recovering, but once again she was transported to her younger years with her warrior sisters. If she had to live through that all over again to get to this point, she’d do it without a doubt. They deserved good things, they were worth it. She was too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Catch me reading all sorts of articles about nuns and their duties, I'm so invested omfg. Any questions, doubts, suggestions? let me know! I'm Valentine on discord, I never speak bc I'm a shy mf but I love yall. Anyways, thanks for your patience and see you next time! :D
> 
> ps: I'm sorry for my horrible skills at answering comments. I'm working on it!  
> ps2: you are loved! take care :)

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo, it's the first time I've written in like three years so I will take all the constructive criticism you have lol.


End file.
